Rayven616

2018 was a phenomenal year. I had lived some of my wildest dreams and ticked things off the bucket list that I had never known were on there. It was intoxicating. The thrill and anticipation were enough to trigger my anxiety resulting in some bizarre behaviours. From a young age, I have been addicted to music. Spurred on by a series of events beyond my control but with lasting cataclysmic effect. I had bound myself to the sound as though a coat to protect from the chill of anxiety. Those who know me well know that when I'm stressed I'll find a song in my head and just belt it out. Or I'm immersed completely, often writing some of my best work. So for the first half of 2018, I was on an emotional high. I was part of something greater than myself. Then, as though I had jumped off a cliff, my mood plummeted. I was almost suicidal. The only thing keeping me from crossing that line was my own sense of grandiose self-importance. The determination needed to achieve my goals of being in the film industry as an actor and/or having a successful music career. One of these dreams was going nowhere and the other progressed at a snail's pace. This filled me with anger and hatred towards myself. I began to question my existence and its purpose and came to the conclusion that there is no purpose. I just exist. Was this some cruel joke from a cosmic entity? Is life a literal "life sentence"? I never asked to exist so why must I have to pay for it. I came to the conclusion that time money and energy are all the same. I work hard so I can get money so that I can buy food and in turn extend my existence so that I can continue to work. Other people had started to notice my existential despair so I hid it. I started to pretend I was happy. It worked. I was happy for a while. I had stopped caring about the existential despair. Then 2019 happened. My filming career continued, still slower than I had wanted. I had finally made progress with my music career, even if it was only baby steps things were moving. Then something happened that shook me hard. A friend of my girlfriend had been murdered, violently. The circumstances surrounding it made me feel sick with rage. But the hardest part was comforting my girlfriend while she cried herself to sleep. I guess that's why it hit me so hard. It was a shock because I had never met the individual but felt the impact. The following week I was hit with an unexpected bill and fine. I paid them immediately leaving myself crippled financially. I suppose the only ray of light was that I was back on set filming again a week later. But it barely softened the blow as I fell back into depression and anxiety.  This time with "paranoid delusions". I felt people were conspiring against me and that I was a walking punch line. This made me sick. When I confronted the individuals it became apparent that they were either taking the piss or I was having "paranoid delusions". For the sake of keeping the peace, I chose to accept that it was probably just a delusion. I further set some boundaries allowing them to have a laugh but to steer away from certain subjects so as not to incur my wrath. This brings us to the present. I know how trivial it sounds compared to the previous terrors of the year but it is playing into my paranoia. On several occasions, I have gone to the facebook login page only to be met with a distinctly different page. At first, I had assumed that it was an update to facebook itself so I logged in (which it allowed). But me being "paranoid" logged out to check again and it was back to normal. Had somebody taken my login details? I logged back in and forced it to log out of all sessions and changed my password. This other page and similar login pages keep appearing. Have I been hacked? Am I just paranoid? Then I had an email while at work informing me that my EA account had been accessed from an unknown browser. So I changed all my passwords and so far so good. But I am still seeing this strange login page and its variations. What else has been compromised? At the moment it seems that there's always something gnawing at my mind. Peeling away my walls layer by layer. I find distraction in film and solace in music. I escape to my own world for if I must exist then it will be on my own terms. To quote Randy Feltface; When did distraction become the pursuit? Distraction has become my only pursuit. From the trials and terrors of existence, it is my only shelter. And so the only thing worth doing is being a part of that distraction. To find some sense of achievement in knowing that I help to distract others from their existential crises. And thus creating my own purpose in life. My own reason to exist. 

These past 12 months have been incredible. I have crossed things off my bucket list that I didn't even know were on there. Life as an extra is stressful but worth every moment. Transport/accommodation is a major issue (due to me not driving). 

September 2017. - In The Cloud

I experienced my first day on set. I got on the train at 06:30 and arrived at the studio at 07:30. Throughout the entire journey my anxiety was swelling I felt sick. I didn't know what to expect. Upon arrival, I was greeted by a member of the crew who took me to exactly where I needed to sign in. Then to my delight free cooked breakfast. Then lots of chatting standing around and making friends before being escorted to set. The set was an old fire station dressed to look like a nightclub. At this point all knew about the project was the name and that the scene was set in a nightclub. I had no idea who had been cast until I was on set with them. My role was as a dancer/raver. It was exhausting due to the shoot being 13 hours ish and the alcohol was not real. I got home with a huge sense of achievement. 


February 2018. - Curfew

My second project Curfew was bigger than anything I could have imagined. There were stunts. I had to maintain strict self-control to prevent myself from nerding out at the cast as some of them were people I grew up watching. I couldn't believe it I was on set with my heroes. Colleagues at work ask me why I didn't try to get selfies. Despite it being a MAJOR breach of my NDA I'm in several frames of celluloid with them anyway so it would be pointless. The code of conduct implies that approaching a cast member and starting a conversation is not allowed as they are working and could be getting into character/preparing for a scene. If a member of the cast feels that you're harassing them or behaving inappropriately they have the power to remove you from the set and then you get a bad reputation and possibly even blacklisted.  So I  really had to contain myself. It was also on the set of this production that I learned the biggest lie in the TV and film industry. It wasn't that everything is fake (CGI) I figured this as all the stunts were practical effects and there was a distinct lack of greenscreen. No, the biggest lie is "Cut! Reset! One More!" its never one more take. Due to the high budget, they wanted to get the shot perfect. It was -6 C and we were filming outdoor for between 10 and 13 hours per night. There were trailers for us extras to sit in when we were not needed so we didn't freeze to death. and the crew really looked after us including buying us all Domino's pizza. This was where I had my first travel hiccup. We had an unusual amount of snow and cold weather which caused all the trains leaving my city to be cancelled what was normally a 40 min journey became a 5-hour journey. I arrived on set 3 hours late. The crew and my agent were extremely supportive in making sure this didn't affect my chances in the future. I met some amazing people and generally had a fantastic time despite adverse weather and long gruelling takes. Needless to say, everyone was ill by the end of the week we all had a vile case of the flu. Curfew will be airing on SkyOne on the 22nd Feb.

April 2018. - The Festival/Cold Feet Series 8
Unusually I completed 2 projects within the same week.
The first of the 2 was a film called "The Festival". Which will hit cinemas on August 14th, 2018 
The second was Cold Feet Series 8 Episode 3 which airs on Monday 28th January ITV 9pm GMT. This was where I experienced my second travel hiccup. Starting at 10:30 I had wrongly assumed we would be wrapping at about 20:30 In actuality we wrapped at 23:30 leaving me stranded in the middle of nowhere. Luckily a fellow SA Offered to give me a bed for the night in Liverpool (a city which I had never visited) I accepted his kind offer but instead insisted that he drop me at the train station as I didn't want to be a burden. I got to the station at about 00:15 and learned that the next train home was at 03:38 I figured I'd wait in the station until it arrived. Moments later I was escorted out by security as they were closing for the night. So I was stranded in a strange urban city covered in mud and wearing wellies. The battery on my phone was at 17% and dropping. Nowhere near enough battery to keep me sane. So I found a McDonalds and it had plug sockets. so I plugged my phone in but they were low power sockets so it could not be switched on and charging at the same time. It was strange to see it so busy at that time in the morning during a weekday but this was after all a city I was not used to. I finally arrived home at 07:30 the following morning. At this point, I had been awake for 26 hours. But it was worth it. I learned my lesson and made sure I could get transport to and from the set before attending. The following days were cold and wet (once more the weather was against me). I worked with a lot of familiar faces and a lot of talented people. 



I can only hope the future brings even more fun.
I eagerly await my next project.

Ok so.... once again I broke my laptop (4 in 4 years)  So when payday comes around i'll have to get a new one joy. Do not despair for I am still writing and will get thing uploaded again I shall also upload the re edited chapters 1 and 2 of Dugans story and chapter 3 will be along shortly as requested by my good friend OneEyedMinion.